I love coaching and I am working on my own business coaching program. I think everyone should hire a coach but in this post I want to help you get ahead of the game so when you do hire a coach you are already self aware and you already know the areas of you life you need coaching on. The first thing every coach will teach you is that every problem you have starts with you. So in this post I’m going to talk about ways you can become self aware and how you can take responsibility for your feelings.
Most of the time we create problems in our minds that really don’t exist. We create so much drama and noise and work ourselves up that we just feel so overwhelmed and just think ‘I can’t deal with this’. We never actually stop to think about the problem that we have created in our mind. When you catch yourself doing this just stop for a moment and take a breath and write a list of the thoughts you are having around your problem. Then go through the list and for each thought ask yourself this: Is this a thought – something that you have created in your mind, is it a fact – something that just is and no matter who looks at this they will come to the same conclusion, or is it a circumstance – something that has happened or is happening outside of your control.
To help with deciding if your thoughts are just thoughts, facts or circumstances I have a scenario that I like to use to help me, I call it the £100.00 problem. So you have £100.00 left in your bank to get you through the rest of the month – the fact is that there is £100.00 in your bank, no matter who looks at this situation that fact will never change, the circumstance is that you have £100.00 to last you for the rest of the month and the thought depends on the person who looks at it, it could either be “I have £100.00 to last me to the end of the month this is great.” or another person could look at this and think “I have £100.00 to last me the rest of the month this is terrible.”.
Your thoughts are what you say to yourself about the circumstance and your thoughts always determine how you feel. So next to each thought on your list write down one word of how you this thought makes you feel. If you can get to grips with where you are having negative thoughts then you can start to change this pattern which will in turn start to change how you feel about certain circumstances. This is a process and it takes a while to get used to, you should try to make it a habit, the more you do this the more self aware you will become and you will start to notice what thoughts could be holding you back and what thoughts make you feel a certain way. But doing this only when you have negative thoughts is not enough, you should try to notice the thoughts you have when you are feeling good because then you can store these in a positive thought bank to bring out when you’re not feeling too great. Once you can master your thoughts you can master your feelings and once you master your feelings you can master the actions you take.
Another thing we like to do is get so caught up about what other people think about us. Having these thoughts can hold you back in a big way because they can stop you from taking action just because you are worried about what other people think of you. I have always heard people saying that if someone has a thought about you its their problem and leave them to it. When I was younger I really struggled with this but Brooke Castillo put this in a way that just clicked with me. She taught me how to take responsibility for my feelings and once I got that I got why it wasn’t my problem if people don’t like me or like what I do. When you learn to take responsibility for your feelings you learn that people can’t make you feel a certain way, it’s your thoughts about that person that make you feel a certain way, it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with your thought about them. The same goes for how other people feel about you, it’s not your responsibility to make them think or feel a certain way about you, it’s theirs and there’s nothing you can do to change that.
I took my younger brother to McDonalds the other day and we went through the drive through. I ordered his meal being the polite person I always am and the girl wasn’t very nice back to me, you could tell she really didn’t want to be in work. As we drove to the next window my brother, who is 14, said to me “Why are you so nice to people who aren’t nice back?” and I said to him “because if I respond and not be so nice back then it puts the other person in a worse mood and I then go off and it puts me in a bad mood too, and that bad mood would have nothing to do with the girl not being polite back to me but it would be my fault for being not nice back to her, then I’m the one left in a bad mood.” And he looked at me and said “I’ve never thought about it like that, that makes sense but I still get angry all the time so I don’t think I could do that” so I said “next time you feel yourself getting angry with someone just remember that you’re going to be the one in a bad mood and feeling angry while they’ll probably go off and won’t give it a second thought.” He is a typical moody teenager but since then I have noticed a bit of a change in him, he hasn’t been so quick to react.
So when you have negative thoughts about someone or you don’t like someone just remember that it’s only hurting you, it has nothing to do with them and the same goes for people who might not like you very much too. You always have a choice to change how you feel about someone or a situation. Just take it through the thought/circumstance exercise above if you are struggling with it then this might help you figure out what is causing you to feel a certain way about someone. And just remember not to get worked up about what other think about you, at the end of the day they are the ones stuck with them thoughts, not you. They can’t stop you being you and doing what you do.