Lately I lost my way a little. Some of you may not know I have a condition called Beals Syndrome, it’s a very rare condition to which I even fully don’t understand and I was born with it but it affects everyone differently. I won’t go into the details because I don’t want to bore you by giving you a medical lecture but the way it affects me the most is that I get severe pain in both of my legs, I have good phases and bad phases and the last few months have been a bad phase for me with it reaching breaking point over the last month.
I’m the type of person who thrives from structure. I like routine and anyone who knows me knows how ambitious I am, they also know that I love what I do and I always need to be working on something. I like going to my day job and I love being around the people I work with, I love coming home and working on my business and stealing every minute I can to work on it. I love seeing my friends, spending time with my family and walking my little dog (he’s a shih tzu called Soulja). I’ve always been the type of person who will just get on with it, no matter how much pain I might be in. Really, I like to think I’m Superwoman but even Superwoman gets tired sometimes and needs a break.
The pain has gotten so bad and the last few weeks I gave into it. I hung up the red cape and felt sorry for myself. I couldn’t do anything and could only think about sleeping and taking medication to ease the pain. So I was signed off from work for a few weeks, I wasn’t doing any work to grow my business and I wasn’t going out with my friends. I just lay on the couch feeling sorry for myself watching Scandal wishing I could be more like Olivia Pope.
The longer I stayed there the more I realised I needed to get back to normality. I needed that structure again, let’s be honest whether I sit at home watching Scandal or I get back to my life the pain is going to be there no matter what and I was bored of feeling sorry for myself and the more I scrolled through Facebook and Instagram seeing my friends from work having drinks or people making big breaks in their business the worse I felt. I was losing all motivation and usually I have so many ideas floating around my mind but I had none, my creativity spark was out. So I had a choice- get back to it, forget what other people are doing and start doing what I know I need to do again or stay there and feel even more sorry for myself. Obviously I was never going to choose the latter, that’s not who I am. I’ve dealt with pain before, it’s just the same feeling but a little bit worse, it’s nothing I can’t handle.
So I went back to my day job and I had an amazing day and probably the worst day at the same time. It was the worst day as in the worst my pain has been over this period but it was an amazing day for that exact reason. Why? Because I got through it, I went to work and I was in pain, I couldn’t take any medication for the pain so I just got on with it. And instead of feeling sorry for myself I just got on with my work and the weirdest thing happened, I had so many ideas throughout the day for my business, more than I had in weeks. I’ve got my motivation back and all it took was the courage to say F*ck You to pain (that is the only time you will ever hear me swear).
So I admit I’m not Superwoman, I can’t do it all and it’s ok to give myself a break sometimes but I also know how important it is to get back up and get back to what I call normality. The little victories make you who you are.